Dear Bradley

I know your name because it is on your nametag. You seem like a really nice young man, and I do regret having to write this letter, but there are a few things you need to know if you wish to become a truly excellent Woolworths check-out operator. Firstly let me say how lovely it was that you asked me how my day was and had I had a nice weekend. It wasn't so good, however, when you continued on without a breath to tell me exactly how 'seriously awesome' your Saturday night had been and how seedy you felt when you woke up on some stranger's verandah. Top marks to you though for dragging your sorry self to work!

While on the topic of dragging, it might be worth pointing out the benefits of tissues. While I understand that those boogers sure are bothersome up there, it is best to use a tissue to pick them out instead of the fingers that are handling my avocados. Yes, they are already green, but I quite like them sans DNA.

Those same fingers are probably best kept away from adjusting your crotch during my transaction. The three times I managed to cop an eyeful of movement was more than distracting and I had to shake my head at least twice to clear my vision. This was not pleasant. I am sure you have breaks - maybe use them to adjust yourself....in a bathroom. Woolworths also sell underwear...perhaps you may invest in some newer, more comfortable ones?

Last of all I would like to use this opportunity to educate you a little on feminine hygiene products. They are not dirty. You do not need to flinch, shudder or wipe your hands after scanning tampons. They are in a packet...in fact they came home cleaner than my avocados. Perhaps you can pretend they are beer - you seem to like beer.

I hope this letter may help you to better serve your customers. I fear that Woolworths will be unable to maintain their position as the Fresh Food People if you continue with the unseemly practices you are currently displaying. I look forward to watching you perform your duties as I scan my own groceries next week.
With thanks,
Kerryn Leworthy.